More Questions Than Answers

It is really, really hard for me to be present.

As I type this in the beautiful nation of Haiti, I am skimming through different ministries that work among unreached people groups. My heart is soaring. I have no idea what my next steps are, but as I finish my time here in Haiti, I can hardly wait.

At the same time, I still have almost two weeks left. Part of me feels like I am cheating on Haiti with prospects of other nations. But part of me also knows that while Haiti will always have my heart, it does not seem to be where God has called me long term. My eyes have been opened to nations with little or no access to the Gospel, and my heart aches to go when and where He calls me.

I know I will be back. But I just don't know when. And that has got to be one of the most difficult things.

I feel like I never found my niche here. I feel like because of the organization I have worked with, I am preparing to leave Haiti with a sour taste in my mouth. And I hate that.

I justify my lack of being present with the lack of things to be present in. There is much more down time than I would like, and too much American pool time. Some days I feel like I am indulging in a mini America. I am fully engaged in my time with the children, but they also have a friend who is able to love them much better than I. Because one of my fellow interns is so clearly in her element with the kids and they are drawn to her, I often find myself drawing back.

I have struggled with my ability and even my desire to serve long term. I feel I am leaving with many more questions than answers. I have had many Jesus moments in solitude, but few when I am surrounded by others. I know that I AM walks before me and beside me...but why do I feel like my time here is wasted so often? I am scared I have caused more harm than good, giving hope to people and never following through. My heart breaks for all that is temporary here. I have chosen not to begin things because I know that they will not be continued once the other interns and I leave. ...But that's hard. Because I know the wise and best thing is to not begin something that will be abandoned, I feel like I simply sit on my butt and do what feels like nothing.

I'm scared that because my heart has not taken root here (out of the setting in of how much my time is temporary, not feeling like I am able to use the gifts that God has given, and people's life stories blurred and minimized by the corruption I am surrounded by), I will return to my self-centered, American ways. Because I feel like so many back home do not, cannot or choose not to understand the depth and challenges that come with a longer short term time overseas, I fear I will be misunderstood or left as alone as I sometimes feel here. Oh, how I miss community. And how difficult it is to convey a Summer's time that is so much more different, exhausting, and beautiful than I ever imagined it would be.

Which brings me to my foundation. The Rock that is I AM. The Holy one of Israel and the One who knows my heart. I am confident that my time here and the pouring out of His love as I am filled in Him will not be wasted. I am trusting in His promises. I am leaning on the One who does not grow weary. And I know that HE stands, even when everything in my heart and mind falters and doubts.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense...but it is honest and transparent. It is where I am presently, as I try to be faithful these last couple weeks while preparing to transition back home.

...Oh, what is home? Is it possible to have many homes because the heart is many places even when it is not physically present? The more I move forward in life, the more the meaning of home shifts and is rooted in the One who has formed me and knows me more than anyone else ever will.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us strip off and throw aside every [unnecessary weight] and that sin which so [cleverly] clings to us and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source  of our faith and is also its Finisher. He for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2 AMP]

Rebuild. Restore. Renew.

It's hard here sometimes. I feel like I say that a lot. It's a good hard though. It's a kind of empty that forces me to fill myself up in the Lord. To rely on Him for my strength and my health and my sanity at times.

I'm big on making plans, and I'm big on seeing things accomplished. If I can't see the results of hard work, it's really hard for me to press on. And any work that is people oriented and relationship oriented is going to be less tangible than painting a room or helping restore a garden. And it's way harder. Because you can't protect people the same way you can protect plants. You can't guarantee safety. You can't guarantee that the precious children you know by heart will continue to be loved and dream of a better future.

And for someone who craves control and security and safety nets and things set in stone...it's hard. Often times, it feels as if I am wasting time. So many of the kids have already gone back to their families. And I fear they are not being taken care of...just like they weren't before they were sent to Tree of Life. And honestly, some of the families are several hours away and with where the organization I am working with is at--we can't promise food or school or a sustainable way to keep the family together. And I refuse to be the white girl that sits down, asks what they need, hands them some money or food and never returns. I refuse to make promises that I know will be broken. I already feel like I did that with the Williamson surveys...we gave a couple families water catchment systems that will allow them 11 or so gallons of water when it pours down rain...which is such a great use of our resources! I mean, they can water their plants twice every month! It's not like a well could be used for the whole community or anything. Ugh. So frustrating. But it was my first couple weeks here and I really thought this organization would be creating sustainable change in the community.

So yeah. I refuse to be a part of something that won't last and will create an even deeper mistrust of foreigners.

But even though it's hard sometimes, we found an orphanage for the six kids left at Tree of Life! They will have plenty of food, the ability to go to school, and will be taken care of medically.

I just still fear that they will get lost in the shuffle. I've said before that these kids have something special...I don't want them to forget that they are extraordinary. So that's what I'm being intentional about this week. Pouring into them individually, allowing them to dream...reiterating over and over how much they are loved and treasured. Reminding them not to give up when things get tough. Holding them tight and singing with them in Creole about God's love. They are His. And He holds them tighter than I ever could.

I've always loved kids. And I've helped with VBS and babysat more times than I can count. ...But I've never felt like that was where I belonged in ministry. I work better with people my age and even older than myself. I had hoped I could help work in a women's prison helping lead a Bible study and pouring love into these women that have probably never known what Christ's love looks like. But God has placed me with these 6 kids. And I am learning that God is at work despite my inadequacies when I am just present. If the only thing I "accomplish" while I'm here is for these kids to know how much I love them and that they can believe in themselves...that they can allow themselves to dream and to trust in the God who made them with a purpose...that is more than enough. That is not a waste.

My God Rebuilds. My God Restores. My God Renews. And He has anointed and sent us to be His hands and feet. So let's be present and allow others to dream.