More Questions Than Answers

It is really, really hard for me to be present.

As I type this in the beautiful nation of Haiti, I am skimming through different ministries that work among unreached people groups. My heart is soaring. I have no idea what my next steps are, but as I finish my time here in Haiti, I can hardly wait.

At the same time, I still have almost two weeks left. Part of me feels like I am cheating on Haiti with prospects of other nations. But part of me also knows that while Haiti will always have my heart, it does not seem to be where God has called me long term. My eyes have been opened to nations with little or no access to the Gospel, and my heart aches to go when and where He calls me.

I know I will be back. But I just don't know when. And that has got to be one of the most difficult things.

I feel like I never found my niche here. I feel like because of the organization I have worked with, I am preparing to leave Haiti with a sour taste in my mouth. And I hate that.

I justify my lack of being present with the lack of things to be present in. There is much more down time than I would like, and too much American pool time. Some days I feel like I am indulging in a mini America. I am fully engaged in my time with the children, but they also have a friend who is able to love them much better than I. Because one of my fellow interns is so clearly in her element with the kids and they are drawn to her, I often find myself drawing back.

I have struggled with my ability and even my desire to serve long term. I feel I am leaving with many more questions than answers. I have had many Jesus moments in solitude, but few when I am surrounded by others. I know that I AM walks before me and beside me...but why do I feel like my time here is wasted so often? I am scared I have caused more harm than good, giving hope to people and never following through. My heart breaks for all that is temporary here. I have chosen not to begin things because I know that they will not be continued once the other interns and I leave. ...But that's hard. Because I know the wise and best thing is to not begin something that will be abandoned, I feel like I simply sit on my butt and do what feels like nothing.

I'm scared that because my heart has not taken root here (out of the setting in of how much my time is temporary, not feeling like I am able to use the gifts that God has given, and people's life stories blurred and minimized by the corruption I am surrounded by), I will return to my self-centered, American ways. Because I feel like so many back home do not, cannot or choose not to understand the depth and challenges that come with a longer short term time overseas, I fear I will be misunderstood or left as alone as I sometimes feel here. Oh, how I miss community. And how difficult it is to convey a Summer's time that is so much more different, exhausting, and beautiful than I ever imagined it would be.

Which brings me to my foundation. The Rock that is I AM. The Holy one of Israel and the One who knows my heart. I am confident that my time here and the pouring out of His love as I am filled in Him will not be wasted. I am trusting in His promises. I am leaning on the One who does not grow weary. And I know that HE stands, even when everything in my heart and mind falters and doubts.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense...but it is honest and transparent. It is where I am presently, as I try to be faithful these last couple weeks while preparing to transition back home.

...Oh, what is home? Is it possible to have many homes because the heart is many places even when it is not physically present? The more I move forward in life, the more the meaning of home shifts and is rooted in the One who has formed me and knows me more than anyone else ever will.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us strip off and throw aside every [unnecessary weight] and that sin which so [cleverly] clings to us and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source  of our faith and is also its Finisher. He for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2 AMP]