It's hard here sometimes. I feel like I say that a lot. It's a good hard though. It's a kind of empty that forces me to fill myself up in the Lord. To rely on Him for my strength and my health and my sanity at times.
I'm big on making plans, and I'm big on seeing things accomplished. If I can't see the results of hard work, it's really hard for me to press on. And any work that is people oriented and relationship oriented is going to be less tangible than painting a room or helping restore a garden. And it's way harder. Because you can't protect people the same way you can protect plants. You can't guarantee safety. You can't guarantee that the precious children you know by heart will continue to be loved and dream of a better future.
And for someone who craves control and security and safety nets and things set in stone...it's hard. Often times, it feels as if I am wasting time. So many of the kids have already gone back to their families. And I fear they are not being taken care of...just like they weren't before they were sent to Tree of Life. And honestly, some of the families are several hours away and with where the organization I am working with is at--we can't promise food or school or a sustainable way to keep the family together. And I refuse to be the white girl that sits down, asks what they need, hands them some money or food and never returns. I refuse to make promises that I know will be broken. I already feel like I did that with the Williamson surveys...we gave a couple families water catchment systems that will allow them 11 or so gallons of water when it pours down rain...which is such a great use of our resources! I mean, they can water their plants twice every month! It's not like a well could be used for the whole community or anything. Ugh. So frustrating. But it was my first couple weeks here and I really thought this organization would be creating sustainable change in the community.
So yeah. I refuse to be a part of something that won't last and will create an even deeper mistrust of foreigners.
But even though it's hard sometimes, we found an orphanage for the six kids left at Tree of Life! They will have plenty of food, the ability to go to school, and will be taken care of medically.
I just still fear that they will get lost in the shuffle. I've said before that these kids have something special...I don't want them to forget that they are extraordinary. So that's what I'm being intentional about this week. Pouring into them individually, allowing them to dream...reiterating over and over how much they are loved and treasured. Reminding them not to give up when things get tough. Holding them tight and singing with them in Creole about God's love. They are His. And He holds them tighter than I ever could.
I've always loved kids. And I've helped with VBS and babysat more times than I can count. ...But I've never felt like that was where I belonged in ministry. I work better with people my age and even older than myself. I had hoped I could help work in a women's prison helping lead a Bible study and pouring love into these women that have probably never known what Christ's love looks like. But God has placed me with these 6 kids. And I am learning that God is at work despite my inadequacies when I am just present. If the only thing I "accomplish" while I'm here is for these kids to know how much I love them and that they can believe in themselves...that they can allow themselves to dream and to trust in the God who made them with a purpose...that is more than enough. That is not a waste.
My God Rebuilds. My God Restores. My God Renews. And He has anointed and sent us to be His hands and feet. So let's be present and allow others to dream.
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