More Questions Than Answers

It is really, really hard for me to be present.

As I type this in the beautiful nation of Haiti, I am skimming through different ministries that work among unreached people groups. My heart is soaring. I have no idea what my next steps are, but as I finish my time here in Haiti, I can hardly wait.

At the same time, I still have almost two weeks left. Part of me feels like I am cheating on Haiti with prospects of other nations. But part of me also knows that while Haiti will always have my heart, it does not seem to be where God has called me long term. My eyes have been opened to nations with little or no access to the Gospel, and my heart aches to go when and where He calls me.

I know I will be back. But I just don't know when. And that has got to be one of the most difficult things.

I feel like I never found my niche here. I feel like because of the organization I have worked with, I am preparing to leave Haiti with a sour taste in my mouth. And I hate that.

I justify my lack of being present with the lack of things to be present in. There is much more down time than I would like, and too much American pool time. Some days I feel like I am indulging in a mini America. I am fully engaged in my time with the children, but they also have a friend who is able to love them much better than I. Because one of my fellow interns is so clearly in her element with the kids and they are drawn to her, I often find myself drawing back.

I have struggled with my ability and even my desire to serve long term. I feel I am leaving with many more questions than answers. I have had many Jesus moments in solitude, but few when I am surrounded by others. I know that I AM walks before me and beside me...but why do I feel like my time here is wasted so often? I am scared I have caused more harm than good, giving hope to people and never following through. My heart breaks for all that is temporary here. I have chosen not to begin things because I know that they will not be continued once the other interns and I leave. ...But that's hard. Because I know the wise and best thing is to not begin something that will be abandoned, I feel like I simply sit on my butt and do what feels like nothing.

I'm scared that because my heart has not taken root here (out of the setting in of how much my time is temporary, not feeling like I am able to use the gifts that God has given, and people's life stories blurred and minimized by the corruption I am surrounded by), I will return to my self-centered, American ways. Because I feel like so many back home do not, cannot or choose not to understand the depth and challenges that come with a longer short term time overseas, I fear I will be misunderstood or left as alone as I sometimes feel here. Oh, how I miss community. And how difficult it is to convey a Summer's time that is so much more different, exhausting, and beautiful than I ever imagined it would be.

Which brings me to my foundation. The Rock that is I AM. The Holy one of Israel and the One who knows my heart. I am confident that my time here and the pouring out of His love as I am filled in Him will not be wasted. I am trusting in His promises. I am leaning on the One who does not grow weary. And I know that HE stands, even when everything in my heart and mind falters and doubts.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense...but it is honest and transparent. It is where I am presently, as I try to be faithful these last couple weeks while preparing to transition back home.

...Oh, what is home? Is it possible to have many homes because the heart is many places even when it is not physically present? The more I move forward in life, the more the meaning of home shifts and is rooted in the One who has formed me and knows me more than anyone else ever will.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us strip off and throw aside every [unnecessary weight] and that sin which so [cleverly] clings to us and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source  of our faith and is also its Finisher. He for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2 AMP]

Rebuild. Restore. Renew.

It's hard here sometimes. I feel like I say that a lot. It's a good hard though. It's a kind of empty that forces me to fill myself up in the Lord. To rely on Him for my strength and my health and my sanity at times.

I'm big on making plans, and I'm big on seeing things accomplished. If I can't see the results of hard work, it's really hard for me to press on. And any work that is people oriented and relationship oriented is going to be less tangible than painting a room or helping restore a garden. And it's way harder. Because you can't protect people the same way you can protect plants. You can't guarantee safety. You can't guarantee that the precious children you know by heart will continue to be loved and dream of a better future.

And for someone who craves control and security and safety nets and things set in stone...it's hard. Often times, it feels as if I am wasting time. So many of the kids have already gone back to their families. And I fear they are not being taken care of...just like they weren't before they were sent to Tree of Life. And honestly, some of the families are several hours away and with where the organization I am working with is at--we can't promise food or school or a sustainable way to keep the family together. And I refuse to be the white girl that sits down, asks what they need, hands them some money or food and never returns. I refuse to make promises that I know will be broken. I already feel like I did that with the Williamson surveys...we gave a couple families water catchment systems that will allow them 11 or so gallons of water when it pours down rain...which is such a great use of our resources! I mean, they can water their plants twice every month! It's not like a well could be used for the whole community or anything. Ugh. So frustrating. But it was my first couple weeks here and I really thought this organization would be creating sustainable change in the community.

So yeah. I refuse to be a part of something that won't last and will create an even deeper mistrust of foreigners.

But even though it's hard sometimes, we found an orphanage for the six kids left at Tree of Life! They will have plenty of food, the ability to go to school, and will be taken care of medically.

I just still fear that they will get lost in the shuffle. I've said before that these kids have something special...I don't want them to forget that they are extraordinary. So that's what I'm being intentional about this week. Pouring into them individually, allowing them to dream...reiterating over and over how much they are loved and treasured. Reminding them not to give up when things get tough. Holding them tight and singing with them in Creole about God's love. They are His. And He holds them tighter than I ever could.

I've always loved kids. And I've helped with VBS and babysat more times than I can count. ...But I've never felt like that was where I belonged in ministry. I work better with people my age and even older than myself. I had hoped I could help work in a women's prison helping lead a Bible study and pouring love into these women that have probably never known what Christ's love looks like. But God has placed me with these 6 kids. And I am learning that God is at work despite my inadequacies when I am just present. If the only thing I "accomplish" while I'm here is for these kids to know how much I love them and that they can believe in themselves...that they can allow themselves to dream and to trust in the God who made them with a purpose...that is more than enough. That is not a waste.

My God Rebuilds. My God Restores. My God Renews. And He has anointed and sent us to be His hands and feet. So let's be present and allow others to dream.

God ordained moments, accumulating, safety nets & scattered thoughts.

"Lift up your face, my child. You are Mine. You have been redeemed. Now go live in a manner worthy of your calling."

These are the the things the Lord has been breathing into my soul and whispering into my heart.

All or nothing. Those words encompass so much of how my heart is wired. If I go into something halfhearted or simply give an offering of leftovers, it will not last. Even when something is fueled by passion and good intentions, there is a danger of the fire dying out and not being rekindled. 

So sometimes God breaks down my walls of entitlement brick by brick...and sometimes they seem to come crashing down in waves of injustice and brokenness.

Saturday was one of those moments. Sitting in the back of the tap tap after a full day in the heat, my entire being was overwhelmed and fed up.

Perspectives destroyed my ignorance. Haiti has ruined my complacency and satisfaction with the things that are temporary. I am ruined for a comfortable life in America. I'm scared to return because "I'm afraid I'll run back to the things I hate." Being consumed by entertainment, accumulating clothes, instant gratification...I don't want to waste my life when there is so much injustice and darkness apart from the Gospel. How merciful is God to continue pursuing us though we are so blind! 

Oh God, ruin me for the things of this world. Wreck my life that I might find true Life in You. Bring me to my knees, lift my face to You. This body, this soul is stained with dirt and tears and brokenness. May I never become immune to suffering. May I never lose the fire that is seen by so many as naive and unrealistic and pointless. May I fight for the things You fight for. May I be a mother to the abandoned and a safe place for the broken.

Protect me from returning to a life that is mine. A life consumed by extravagance while those around me starve. Continue to remove the veil from my eyes. Continue to refine me, break me, mold me like clay to Your Will and Truth. May the desires of my heart be in line with Your Glory.

For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits. 

James 1:11 

For the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. 

James 1:25 

Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and in their position as believers and to inherit the kingdom which He has promised to those who love Him?

James 2:5 AMP

 

Putting Up a Fight

There are beautiful days in Haiti, and there are heart-wrenching, tearful, difficult days. Sometimes it feels as if there are so many more heartbreaking days than good, beautiful days. Many days the needs are overwhelming. Many days I would rather just not think about how much my heart hurts and how nearly impossible it feels to come up with a sustainable, worthwhile solution.


Yesterday was one of those days. The children at Tree of Life are different than any others I have met at FPCH or Williamson. The children there have stolen my heart. There are only about 15 left, so we are able to get to know each of their hearts. Anne Marie was born to be a comedian. She is one of the relatively older girls (about 10) and loves to dance and make funny faces. She's absolutely crazy, but we love her for it. Nathalie captured my heart the very first day. She's a bit more quiet, loves for you to push her on the swing, and has the most beautiful laugher. It's been incredible to see her come out of her shell and to see how much happier she is after she eats. Elemnia is also small but full of joy. She loves to be held and talks up a storm in that little voice of hers. ...One of the most precious things has been dancing with the kids, singing Father Abraham in Creole, and hearing them pray together. Martine, the lady who is caring for the kids, is full of the Lord. Those kids are different than any other because of how she loves them and has taught them to love. They really are a family. One of the most heartbreaking things about most children's homes in Haiti is that honestly, orphanages are a good source of income for people, and there are a lot of people who take advantage of that. But Martine loves those kids with all her heart. And that's what made yesterday so heartbreaking.


When we got there, Nathalie wasn't there. Roosevelt wasn't there. Luciana, Jepson, Woudnea,   Geurlande, Kimberly...all gone.


Tree of Life has been struggling for awhile now. WWV brings them food and propane to cook with, but Catherine, the current owner of Tree of Life has pretty much washed her hands of the whole thing. They are behind on rent and had already sent about half of the originally 32 kids home. Most children in children's homes are not actual orphans, but their parents have sent them there because they either don't want them or are unable to care for their basic needs. So the kids that had parents or a caregiver in some capacity left, and the 6 who did not were the only ones left. 


So yeah, yesterday was hard. We knew that this was a possibility, but we had no warning that they would all have to leave at once. I will quite possibly never see those children again...and my heart breaks for them. 


So I poured out my heart like I never have before with those last 6 children. I pushed them on the swing, held them, tickled them, sang songs with them, cried with them and used every ounce of energy I had loving them. "Mwen renmen ou anpil anpil!" (I love you a lot alot!) 


There are a couple options for the children remaining and possibly the children who have left (if their parents still cannot meet their basic needs), so I'm fighting with everything I've got to see that those kids get taken care of. It may not be through WWV and there may not be a sustainable solution...but you can bet I'll try. Pray my friends. Pray for provision and resources and wisdom.


God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. Let's fight with everything we've got for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Reflection, Joy, and Contentment.

Today is an office day. Which is a glorious thing. In actuality, an office day means we aren't going anywhere and while we have several things that need to be accomplished, I get to rest and reflect! 

I often feel like you can never get a sufficient amount of sleep in Haiti. I wake up a lot in the night, and sometimes a morning beginning at 6:30 feels more like 4 am. But this morning when the half asleep fog lifted and I wiped the sleepies from my eyes, I felt more rested than I have in awhile. So thankful. Today is a good day because no matter what the day does bring, the Lord is good & the Lord is faithful. 

I feel invigorated, joyful, and full of the Spirit of the Lord. I'm enjoying a slow morning where I can take a cold shower (which is actually a blessing in this Haitian heat), read His Word and just be thankful.

Last night was one of those nights where I missed the little things back home. I miss my family. I miss being a part of Stampede for the second year in a row. I miss the incredible friendships the Lord has blessed me with. I miss things like pineapple coconut Haagen Dazs ice cream and opening the pantry to an overwhelming array of choices. I miss cute clothes and wearing my hair down. I miss my mom's sweet tea and drinking water that doesn't taste like it's been treated. 


I miss those things, but at the same time, I am not discontent with where I am. I love it here. It's hard, exhausting, heartbreaking & frustrating at times, but I love it. I love children's laughter and seeing the joy they have with full bellies. I love that it is going to be nearly impossible to leave. I love that we have a team that yearns and fights for what is right. ...It is not fair that children die of totally preventable things. It is not fair that Martine has no income and has had everyone else give up on her. But yet, she still shows up every day and cares for those kids the best she can.


I have mentioned before that every day in Haiti I realize more and more how much I do not know. But not only that, but little by little I am learning to make the most of every moment I have here. We cannot meet all of these overwhelming needs. We cannot feed every malnourished child in Haiti or give every person clean water. But we can meet one need. We can love one child. We can empower one person. ...And that's been head knowledge, but each day it echoes more and more in my heart.


The tap-taps here in Haiti are often covered in phrases like "Merci Jesus" or "Help me Father" in Creole. And sometimes they have verse references. One verse that I have seen repeatedly is Exodus 14:14.


The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. 

In the Ampified version, it includes remaining at rest. Isn't that beautiful? When we are empty and exhausted, when we cannot meet every need, when we are about ready to give up...the Lord who created the universe and knows our every thought fights for us. If I love the children at Tree of Life and FPCH and my heart breaks when they are sick, how much more does the One who created them love them? How much more is the One who knit together their very being broken at injustice and hunger? 

God is present. God is at work. God is moving. God is fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. God does not abandon His children. 

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me, supported me, and lifted me up in prayer. I know I have more to catch up on in detail, but here are some pieces of what Our God is teaching me.

When the Heart Hurts.

God, You have placed me here. May I cry when I need to cry, always be present & never become numb to the needs around me. You revive me Lord. 

Help me to not focus on my inadequacy & the unjust situations I am placed in the middle of, but on Your goodness & glory.

You are enough. Always.

I don't have the words today. But Our God is greater & Our God is faithful. I want to share when things are good, but also be honest when things are tough. 

Gungor- Please Be My Strength

Like water on the sand

Or grasping at the wind

I keep on falling short

So please be my strength

Please be my strength

'Cause I don't have any more

I'm looking for a place

Where I can plant my faith

One thing I know for sure

I cannot create it

And I cannot sustain it

It's Your love

That's keeping me

You are my strength

You are my strength

You and You alone

You keep bringing me back home

It's You and You alone

You're bringing me back home

Reflection

When I see a need, my immediate response is to try to meet it. Whether a friend is having a bad day and needs a hug or some encouragement or you pass "tent city" and see people living with almost nothing...compassion is not compassion until it moves forward in action. So immediate action has its place. We were created to mourn with those who mourn, to lift each other up in encouragement and to meet the needs of those around us. We have been blessed to be a blessing. 


But we cannot expect to solve long-term problems in a short amount of time. I think first off as an American, there are so many assumptions we make, many times without even realizing we are making them. 


I have been so blessed to see a glimpse of what God is doing among the Haitian church. My heart is overflowing with thankfulness. Our God is an utterly awesome God. I got to sit down with Pastor Jeanty and just listen. God is doing incredible things among the leaders of the Haitian church. Every day I realize more and more how much I do not know, but I have been blessed to have been given fresh eyes with which to see the work that Pastor Jeanty, his wife Dominique, and so many other Haitian leaders are doing. I knew that Pastor Jeanty worked with the big picture and developing leaders, and I knew that Dominique worked with Compassion...but the scope of the network and how so many others are connected is just something that only God can do. Yesterday (Tuesday May 29th) I joined Pastor Jeanty at a conference about the Church and the Environment. 


In the US, we tend to think of the environment as tree huggers and recycling and "going green" and air pollution-- but at the end of the day it isn't really an issue. In Haiti, it's totally different. There is trash in the streets which affects health in numerous ways. It is especially bad when it rains. Trees are being cut down, which is a valid way for people to make money, the problem is it creates many more problems than the workers it employs. Trash travels down to the oceans, which kills the fish and thus affects the fishermen. In other words, problems with the environment affect different aspects of the poverty in Haiti as well as the country's ability to rebuild. The thing with Haiti is that it is gorgeous. The biodiversity, the beaches are paradise, and the mangoes are the best hands down. Haiti has so much to offer, but so much of it is limited because of the environment.


The conference talked about the responsibility of the Church to care for God's creation. But the thing that I was so blown away by was not the topic, but the way so many influential people of Haiti came together. God is at work in the Haitian Church, the Body of Christ, and it was so incredible and humbling to see. Every day in Haiti I realize how much I do not know, and I love it. My prayer is that the nation of Haiti continues to be built up in Christ. My prayer is that others may be encouraged as the Body of Christ in Haiti continues to come together in unity. May God be glorified.


I remember sitting in the office at Barnabas (the leadership office Pastor Jeanty is in charge of) and having a peace that surpasses all understanding. Mind you, I was writing receipts for a conference that had just been held. But at that moment, I knew I was exactly  where I needed to be. Office work may not be exciting, but it is vital. Just as missions as a vocation is not higher than any other work God calls us to, the daily faithfulness where God has placed us is exactly where we need to be. 


My time with the Jeanty family encouraged and lifted me up in so many ways. Pretty sure they blessed me way more than I was able to encourage them :) God is at work in that family. I was just thankful to be a part of it for a short time.


Melissa, DJ, Pastor Jeanty & Dominique, I thank my God every time I think of you. God is good and you guys are incredible. Love you.


I'm determined to blog more faithfully, so some posts may be short with just a few thoughts. Encouraged this morning by 1 Corinthians 1:26-27,29-31


Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong...so that no one may boast before Him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."


Yesterday I was so discouraged by the poverty around me. But those that rely on the Lord every hour of the day, those that trust in Him constantly...will not God use that for His glory? Will God not reward them for their faithfulness? How often is their faith greater than mine. God is at work in the least of these. He will not abandon His Children.